


Mathom Challenge

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Humor, War of the Ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-19
Updated: 2005-12-02
Packaged: 2018-03-24 18:42:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3780334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.</p><p>Various characters interspersed throughout.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bree-land News - Special Edition

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

The floor of the local inn, The Prancing Pony, collapsed last night due to 'extreme structural pressure' according to Bree Building Inspector, Cob Brownlock, brother to Nob, Ostler of the establishment owned by Barliman Butterbur.   
  
When asked what precipitated the collapse, Cob said, "'Twere them **_twenty-four dancing dwarves_**! Ya can't have twenty-four of 'em all dancing at the same time, in the same space. Some of 'em were climbing on top of each other. Putting stress on the building."   
  
Barliman Butterbur himself was found under the rubble, having gone to the wine cellar for a patron.   



	2. Henneth Annûn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

The ground shook. The men watched Faramir to see his response.   
  
"Why doesn't he take them back to the Shire with him?" Damrod queried. Others grumbled, asking the same thing. None had ever taken such advantage of the Steward. Though the war was over, they had not abandoned their Ithilien headquarters.   
  
But, if the trampling continued… If Gimli hadn't taught them to dance… If they would only go somewhere else… But no! **_Twenty-three obstinate oliphants_** were making it very difficult to keep the roof from falling down.   
  
Henneth Annun, since Sam had started collecting oliphants, had become a dangerous place.


	3. Pointsettias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

It seemed all was quiet. Strider held his breath. "Hollin once was filled with Elves…" he whispered.   
  
"I would just like to have my stomach filled," Pippin sniped. "With warm food and a pint of Butterbur's ale." 

"Aye, laddie, my stomach longs for roast meat and good ale," the Dwarf concurred.   
  
Legolas remembered the last time he visited Hollin. Elves were everywhere, dancing, singing, and laughing. Then, covered with poinsettias as useless camouflage, Rangers swept through the crowd. Did they honestly think walking poinsettias would fool the Elves!   
  
Legolas scowled. "Filled with Elves until those **_twenty-two red Rangers_ ** came along!" 


	4. Goblins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

"What you doin' here?"   
  
"Yeah! Who invited you?"   
  
"Nobody. Got a problem with that?" He huffed up his chest. "I wants meat. All I've had is this maggoty bread."   
  
"That's what it looks like, too," a foolish goblin whispered.   
  
"Hey! Who said that?" Pulling the offending goblin up by his ears, the hideous apparition growled. "Ain't you got no manners? I told you, I wants meat. Either cough it up or I'll eat you."   
  
"There ain't enough meat for **_twenty-one ornery orcs_** , let alone one Balrog!" a scared goblin whispered to his companion. "But I heard Hobbits on the steps…."   
  



	5. Fathers & Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

They had a right to stare. Never before had such a thing occurred. Never before had anyone done such a thing. There were 'Do Not Pass' signs everywhere. No one was to cross the line. The guards did naught. But he understood why.   
  
Slowly, he walked towards the fountain. 'I cannot chide him,' he thought. "I would do the same.' The smell was atrocious; fumes spiraling skyward, smoke blocking out the sun.   
  
He shuddered. Then he walked forward and shooed the **_twenty gawking Gondorians_** away. If his father needed to put out the flames this way, what could he do? 


	6. Warg Fodder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

"Up one hill, down another, lookin' fer halflings. Don't that wizard care that we get tired?"    
  
"Shut yer gob," his rider screamed. "He knows everything. He'll hear ya; then we'll be pickin' yer bones fer supper tonight."    
  
"Sh!" the orc next to him said. "I'm ready for roast warg, with a light cranberry and orange sauce, and some sweet pertaters."    
  
"Some wine and choc'lates. Them kind he brings back when he goes to Gondor. I love them choc'lates." The first orc drooled.    
  
"There could be an accident?" The other wondered.    
  
**_ Nineteen weary wargs, _ ** full, came home rider less that night. 


	7. Aglarond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

"We don't bend," he stated flatly.    
  
"Well, I don't know how else you'll be able to fit in."    
  
"You promised you would take care of everything. We left our home, traveled far, and now we find we cannot get in. Perhaps we were too hasty in accepting your invitation."    
  
"Let me ask the Elf." He turned, mumbling to himself. "I could cut them in half."    
  
"Hroom hum. What was that you said?"    
  
The Elf had heard. Chuckling he suggested, "Shouldn't take you long to make the entrance larger."    
  
"What!" Gimli spluttered. "Deface such beauty for only  **_ eighteen earnest ents _ ** ? Never!" 


	8. Gloating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

Silent was the night and the ship that sailed down the Anduin.  The plan had been perfected the night before.  Slip up the river under cover of night, hit the little town quickly, despoil it and its women, take new slaves to replace those that had died, and fly before sunrise.  The men rubbed their hands in delight. Gondorians had always been such easy prey and so easy to deceive.   
  
As the ship approached, Rangers slid into the cold chill of the great river.  A skiff, filled with the enemy, pushed off from the boat.  Faramir gave the call of the limpkin and the men slowly wended their way towards the dinghy, holding bamboo reeds to breath through.     
  
Swiftly, men were pulled from the craft at one fell swoop so that not a cry for help could pass their lips.   
  
"Thought they were **_seventeen cunning corsairs_** , didn't they?" gloated Faramir. 


	9. Bilbos Misfortune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

"Which way did they go? Which way did they go?" the befuddled eagle wondered aloud. "I can't keep up this pace much longer. Why on earth did that little one latch onto the fat ones legs? I can hardly fly high enough. Couldn't that Hobbit have waited a moment? Till another of us offered her services?" Turning to the Hobbit and the Dwarf below her, she asked, "Are you comfortable?" while gritting her teeth the entire time.    
  
Suddenly, in the distance, she heard it – the sweet call of  **_ sixteen singing eagles  _ ** – and she knew where they were headed! 


	10. Evil Remains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

The sandstorm choked even the mûmak, a gift from Prince Angamaite to Gondor upon the sealing of the peace agreement. Nine days of blowing sand and blistering heat had passed since they set out to find the rebel camp. Their Captain called a halt.

"Is it always like this?" his men asked.

"According to Elessar King, this is what the land gives. The sting of the desert mimics the sting of the snows of the White Mountains, does it not?"

Elessar walked forward. "'Tis those _**fifteen hot Haradrim**_ I see ahead who will feel our sting, King Éomer."


	11. Praises Flow As Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

Manwë, the wind rushing and whirling his robe about him in splendor, held in his left hand a goblet filled with nectar from the vines of Taniquetil.  Turning, he extended his right to his mate, and Varda, clothed in raiment bedecked with her beloved stars, rose to stand beside him.   
  
Ulmo, not used to being in Valinor and greatly missing the sound of the sea, looked towards his friend.   Manwë had to laugh – never would the Lord of Waters come to his table without some distinctive garment.  This time he wore a dark helm, foam-crested, and his raiment of mail shimmered from silver down to shadows of green.  
  
Aulë, in deference to the occasion, had shaken the dust of the earth from his own robes, laid his axe and pick aside and stood holding Yavanna's hand in his.  Robed in green herself, she smiled and the air was filled with the sweet smell of flowers and wild berries.  
  
Námo and Vairë had entered the room late, bowed to their Lord, and stood by the places allotted to them.  Varda shook her head.  As always, Vairë had woven their attire and, as always, the weave was perfect and stunning.  Nienna stood close by, holding her arms about her, stifling the moan of supplication that was ever on her lips.   
  
Irmo and Estë waited in silence, hearts turned inwards towards Irmo's dreams and visions, which wrapped around them in the deep rest offered by Estë.  A gentle clearing of his throat caused the two to turn towards Manwë.  They bowed and raised their own cups.  
  
Tulkas, proud, brave, golden-haired Tulkas and Nessa, wind-whipped themselves from their sudden entrance, stood with goblets raised.  
  
Oromë, his hound ever at his side, laid his great horn on the table in front of him, and extended his hand.  Vána, birds perched on her shoulders, stood and took it.  Her smile caused his somber face to light in joy.  
  
Some called them fickle, these Valar of Ilúvatar, but today, they stood as one.  Today they would not be called the _fourteen fickle Valar_.   
  
Today they would be called constant.  
  
"To Eru!  May He be praised now and forever!"


	12. Old Samwise Gamgee Had a Farm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

Sam and Rosie had  **_ thirteen kids _ ** .    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh    
Thirteen kids meant twenty-nine pets.    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh.    
  
With a bah bah here    
And a neigh neigh there    
Here a woof,    
There a hoof,    
Everywhere a squeel, squeel,    
  
Sam and Rosie had thirteen kids,    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh.    
  
  
Sometimes they'd cry    
Sometimes they'd giggle    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh    
But most times they'd just sit and wiggle    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh    
  
Is it ready yet?    
And I'm hungry still    
Will you please be quiet?    
Will you please sit still?    
  
Sam and Rosie had thirteen kids    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh    
  
  
One fine spring day, they ran away    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh    
The kids looked under rock and hay    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh    
  
Where could be Sam?    
Rosie's disappeared?    
They went and hid    
And left us here.    
  
One fine spring day, they ran away.    
Ai, Ai, Ooooh! 


	13. Beorn's Beasts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

"Where do I start? How in the world do I tell of the things that I have seen? " Merry loved a captive audience.   
  
"The beginning is always best, Merry," Pippin stated matter-of-factly.   
  
The older Hobbit looked at his cousin in annoyance.   
  
"They were huge," he began, "and we were frightened."   
  
"I was not frightened, if I remember correctly," Pip's voice chirped.   
  
Merry scowled.   
  
"They came towards us with swords drawn. One even had a crossbow. It was pointed at my head."   
  
" 'Course, yours is bigger than mine. Though I am the taller."   
  
Merry gave him a withering glance and continued. "The air was filled with the buzz of bees, Beorn's beasts. They united in their attack on the poor Uruk-hai."   
  
"Never did I think to hear you say 'poor' when it came to Uruk-hai," Pippin said angrily.   
  
" 'Twas before Boromir."   
  
"Ah," Pippin sighed.   
  
"Their helms, armour, and weapons were covered in the honey they had tried to filch. They ran, but the bees were merciless. The Uruk climbed higher up the mountain. The bees followed. The Uruk tripped into the eagle's nest. Feathers flew everywhere."   
  
" ** _Twelve tickly uruk-hai_ ** ran away, howling at the top of their lungs." 


	14. Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

Silently they crept forward. They were such dolts. Did they think she was blind, with the great array of eyes she had been given? Sword-slashed smile bent as they neared. She would wait. Though hungry, nothing would keep her from teaching these little ones a lesson – and then she would feast upon them.   
  
Ungoliant's Spawn she had been called. But Ungoliant had never eaten as she did. Her daughter knew Sauron had betrayed her mother; somewhere, in the deep of Angband, he had slain her. No one would slay her daughter. Not even these **_eleven stupid spiders_** , her own offspring! 


	15. Appointed rounds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

They had lost their transport at the Ford of Bruinen. Did the Elves think that would stop them? Did they think they were now helpless? No! Nothing would stop them from their appointed rounds.   
  
They helped each other out of the icy, enchanted waters. Wringing water from their clothes, they sat on the river's edge. Some slumped in discouragement; others held their heads low.   
  
They knew what He would say to them… "You are **_ten wicked walkers_** , losing those gifts, and you are no longer in my employ. I will find others to deliver the presents!" Santa said. "You're fired!" 


	16. Eru Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

In Gondor there are gentlemen   
Arrayed as Knights in glory   
In the Shire there are Halflings   
Who love a good night story.   
In Rohan there are Rohirrim   
Who love their horses more – y   
And – all come to Crickhollow for a bath, for a bath   
And – all come to Crickhollow for a bath.   
('bout time some would say of a certain Ranger)   
  
In Lothlorien the Elves lay low   
They never pass their borders.   
In Rivendell Lord Elrond's folks   
Tell tales of Mordor's   
Fell beasts, ringwraiths, and wraiths on wings   
All kinds of foul, stinking Lord – ors   
And – Galadriel she brings her pitcher full, pitcher full   
And – Galadriel she brings her pitcher full.   
  
In the Barrow-downs the barrow wights   
Have all conspired to kill us.   
And Prince Imrahil of Dol Amroth   
Is not above a bit of fuss   
He wants the throne, he needs the throne   
Though Denethor his name will cuss   
And – fire and water do not mix, do not mix   
And – fire and water do not mix   
  
So - Eru rest ye merry gentlemen   
And all the Elves together   
And Hobbits too – must not forget   
That through all kinds of weather   
**_Nine nervous Nazgûl_** do what they can   
To make the Dark Lord happy.   
Including taking baths with anything nasty, anything nasty.   
Including taking baths with anything nasty.   
  
(Left out a character Or two or three or four – forgive me!   
Ents – walking tall - I've missed the lot   
Oh and Dwarves – I'm very sorry - Beornings, Maier, Wild Men,   
Orcs – spiders – Urak-hai –   
But I'll drop down dead before I say anything about that Gollum-y creature, Gollum-y creature)   
Yes, I'll drop down dead before I say anything about that Gollum.)


	17. The Rivendell Filmfest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

They stood quietly in line, as quietly as Elves can when the fever consumes them. No jostling, no speech, just reserved waiting. Frodo and Sam looked at each other in consternation. They had long watched Elves spend time in quiet thought, but not for this long. They had been here two hours; yet not one Elf had moved.   
  
Suddenly, a shout was heard. "He is coming," they shouted, "He is coming!"   
  
Cameras were held up, large banners unfurled, and **_eight eager Elves_** pushed themselves forward while at least another hundred raised their voices in fevered screams. In walked Orlando Bloom.


	18. Avalanche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

The snow fell hard about them in great cascades. Some were crushed under its weight; others were missed in the fall and flew as quickly as possible back to Orthanc.   
  
"Where are the others?" he screamed his rage. "How do you not return with news?"   
  
He was stopped by the whoosh of another pack of his minions, flying fast and furious into the caverns. Scowling, he turned to face them.   
  
"We was caught, master, by your own avalanche. But we found them," their leader chortled.   
  
**_Seven soggy crebain_** warmed themselves by the pit as their brethren roasted on the spit.


	19. Rohirrim x 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

**_A Quarter Drabble -_**   
  
Scurrying 'round the cook, flinching from the wielded broom, **_six sexy Rohirrim_** of the rodent variety grabbed the King's cheese and ran for their hole.

**_Calendars_**   
  
Every time Théodred had visited the White City, they would sit with glee in the 'Three Fishermen' pub and look at the drawings that he brought with him. Boromir had heard stories. Everyone in Gondor had heard stories, but no one had ever actually seen one. Though it was a Rohirric tradition, Boromir had not seen a compilation such as this before. They were called shieldmaidens – one for each month of the year. Of the twelve, there were **_six sexy Rohirrim_** that caught Boromir's eye. Next time he visited, he assured himself, he would make sure to look them up.


	20. Banished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

Being sent from the Undying Lands felt like banishment. Radagast even wondered aloud if that was the case. Gandalf was quick to assure him they would be able to return once they had accomplished the tasks appointed them by the Valar.   
  
Saruman, as usual, muttered fiercely. He had no love for men nor for their land. He would do his duty and return as quickly as possible. No long lingering on this foreign soil. The ground bit his feet, used as they were to the lush grasses of Valinor. " ** _Five wily wizards_** indeed," he harrumphed loudly, "five stupid, trusting Maiar."


	21. Bereft of Solace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

He had never seen them as such, though Gandalf had told him they were once such creatures. But not now. Not with what they had just come through. It should have been a time of triumph. How many could say they had journeyed through Moria and lived?   
  
His heart ached for them, yet there was naught he could do. Two lay on the rocks; two had walked away. All were clothed in sorrow and despair. Gimli accepted his comfort, but these four comforted each other.   
  
**_Four frolicking Hobbits_** of the Shire, Gandalf had once called them. 'No more,' thought Boromir.


	22. The Muse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

'Hey, ho to the bottle I go,' "Oh no," Sam groaned aloud, "wrong song, but kind of appropriate when writing about **_three tipsy trolls_**."   
  
Frodo laughed. "What are you talking about?"   
  
"Bilbo's trolls. I got to thinking about them this morning, while weeding the garden. Some of those weeds needed a troll to pull them up. Even with the new mining tools Gimli gave me, I still had trouble doing it."   
  
"What! What about the soil Galadriel gave you? Wouldn't it help keep the weeds away?"   
  
"No. Weeds seem to love the stuff. Everything seems to love the stuff. I'm doomed."   
  
"Then why aren't you out in the garden?"   
  
"I told you. I got thinking about the trolls and I had to write. Something called a Muse keeps yelling at me. Won't leave me alone, so I came in here and I intend to write until I'm finished. But I've lost my thought and can't find it."   
  
"Trolls. Well, you could write about when we found the stone ones."   
  
"No. I wanted to write about live ones. Ah!" he shrieked (most unusual for Sam), "I remember now. 'Troll sat alone on a seat of stone..' He smiled broadly. "That's better!"


	23. Blessings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

She looked down in love.  Her hopes had all been centered upon this day.  His sleeping form lay in her lap.  She brushed his cheek with her hand, holding her breath for the joy of it.  His own handless limb lay still.   
   
Though her entire race looked askance at their bond, she would not deny it.  They had suffered terribly.  Now, the Valar had blessed them.  He woke, saw her gentle smile and laughed.  How infectious was it!  She joined him in his laughter.  As she had joined him in everything.  
   


Eru looked down, smiling at the _two laughing lovers_.


	24. All That Glitters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter each for the 24 days of Yuletide.

"All that glitters is not gold,' the saying goes," said Faramir. "Yet our King shines with a light that is not of this world. Greater is the treasure that is this one man than the One golden ring. All Middle-earth rejoices in his birth." 

Éowyn whispered, "May the Valar ever protect Him."


End file.
